[201] Letting a Conversation Unfold

What happens when you stop trying to control a conversation and let it unfold instead? In this episode, we explore the fear that comes up around losing control of a conversation, and the freedom that comes from releasing that grip. Five common patterns get in the way of presence in conversation: judgment, listening to respond or defend, needing to be right, predicting what the other person will say, and blame or criticism. Recognizing these patterns in the moment is the first step to moving past them.

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Hello and welcome back. My name is Katie Gotten, and I am a farm business communication advisor, supporting farming families and rural leaders to have the kinds of conversations that protect the legacy. In this podcast, we explore leadership through the lens of communication, the patterns that show up in families and teams, the moments where conversations go sideways, and the small shifts that can bring us back to steady again. Let's get into today's conversation. I think there's something really powerful in giving yourself permission to let a conversation unfold. Let me explain a little about this. So when I think about letting a conversation unfold, originally when I contemplated this, I thought, holy moly, I can't do that. I'll lose control. It might go down a direction I don't want it to go. It could turn into this wild big big explosion. There's also, though, the other possibility, the duality, that it could go far greater than I'd ever anticipated. And then there's all the other options in between that could happen. And yet if I'm trying to control the conversation, I'm actually not connected to the conversation. So there's a couple of things I want to bring up here that help me allow a conversation to unfold in front of me. And how do I navigate that? So it's more of a thinking model in how I address it. And I wanted to share that because I think the first one that comes to mind is when I'm in a conversation, if there's judgment, judgment as in labeling someone as something, or judging what they're saying, or judging it against what my expectations are. If I fall into a place of and I hear myself judging as I'm in the conversation, then I know it's not necessarily heading down the direct path that I want it to. The second thing is listening to respond or listening to defend. Defend myself, defend someone else, uh, defend an idea, or to respond to something that someone said, versus actually listening to understand what's going on. When I really listen to understand what's happening for them and what's needed now, like what do they need in this conversation? Then I'm fully present with it. And I get to adjust and navigate depending on what they need right now. Because all conversations come from different angles, and we move and ebb and flow between different styles of conversations, which we might get to in another episode. But that's one of the things that sort of keeps me moving on track. And the next one is being right or wrong. So this is one that shows up for me is when I'm arguing that something is right. When the conversation is around something being right and it's my way or it's got to go this way, I think it's the right way, um, and I'm really pushing that. Now, sometimes I am right, and sometimes there are other options available, and sometimes I'm completely wrong. But when I'm in that conversation, and if I can feel myself fighting to be right, that's when I know that I need to let the conversation breathe a little. I need to step back. The next one is oh my gosh, predictive. When I am listening and predicting what that person is going to say. Now, a lot of you may or may not realize, but part of my work is behavioral profiling people. And we've got to be mindful that we don't try and predict what the conversation is heading towards or where it's going. We ask questions to clarify where it's going. Just like on our phone, when we start to type a message, who's had this before? You type a message and then there's this predictive text that comes after. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong. Now I know this is one of the biggest uh areas that I'm working on with my kids because if I'm in a hurry, if I'm distracted, if I'm between tasks and trying to sort of juggle a hundred different things at once, they'll come and have a conversation with me, but I end up being predictive text. And they're like, that's not where the conversation was going at all, or no, that's not what I mean. Or, and so I've lost full scope of what's unfolding because once again it comes back to this whole idea of I wasn't fully present with the conversation, and I also wasn't fully present with letting it unfold. Rather than trying to predict because I know behavioral styles, because I know communication styles, because I understand the way that people receive information, it doesn't mean that I can predict it, just like the weatherman, he can't predict every single day exactly right, neither can we. And so we have to give the conversations this room to breathe. And I think the final one for me is blame and criticism. Blame and criticism can really get into a conversation and I guess the word is maybe pollute it a little bit or change the dynamic or create an interference pattern within the conversation. And so if I am feeling a particular way or I'm in a particular state of mind, then that's not conducive to being really clear and looking at what's actually happening and what solutions do we need and what does this conversation need right now, then I can go in all sorts of different directions. So for me, if I'm wanting to really allow a conversation to unfold, I've had to learn over the years and practice letting go of all of those different avenues that are old patterns of communication and actually be as fully present as I can in that moment, particularly around sensitive topics or important topics, or ones where people are excited or they're sharing a story or insert any style of conversation. Being fully present allows it to unfold naturally. And here's the question that I often all the time go back to when I'm in my greatest mind when I'm in a conversation and my greatest energy is this. What's needed here? And so quite often now conversations unfold because the question I'm asking myself all the time is what's needed here. And sometimes I might need a metaphor to explore an idea or thinking with someone. It might be a direction, it might be some details, data, information that needs to go through. What's needed here is actually space to just say, Man, that sucks. What's needed here? And until I can work out and move with that, then the conversations tend to be quite restricted, and it's more like I'm trying to control it rather than let it unfold. And what I know to be true for me is the fact that when I allow a conversation to unfold, I simply need to make sure that I'm in the right frame of mind and that I'm aware that I'm fully present and moving with what's needed here. What's needed here. And that really opened up a whole cascade of being able to step into different situations, scenarios, and really start to just see the conversation unfold. And I tell you what, it has given back far greater than I could have imagined because I've learned things about people, I've understood things about people, they've they've felt really heard and understood. And I think that connection, the ability to be able to connect at that level is something that when you witness that or you experience that, there's something unbelievably wholesome about it. So here's my question to you Is listening to these different aspects that might get in the way of a communication unfolding and allowing it to unfold naturally is which element do you tend to lean on at different times in your conversations? Just contemplate it. And what would happen if I just asked myself, what's needed here? And learn from that rather than from just simply the old pattern. Thanks for joining me for this conversation. If something in this episode was useful to you or gave you a new way of looking at a conversation in your world, I am so glad that you were here. And if it's the kind of conversation someone else in your family or team would love to hear as well, feel free to share this episode with them. And as always, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook via katy.gotten. I really enjoy hearing what conversations people are navigating out there and what they also take away from these conversations. So until next time, take care and remember strong farming businesses are built on strong conversations. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.